Spiritless and Waiting
It has come to my attention over the last…many years…people have always known what I should be doing when I had no clue. I seek guidance from those that were close and usually I was told to do something totally opposite of what I felt I wanted to do. So I’d try to accommodate those people because I valued their input. That got me no where. So then I thought maybe I should give my input and see what advice I get in return and use that, and I got no where. So now I’m sitting in no where with people still telling me what I should and shouldn’t do with complete disregard to how I feel on the matter. Apparently I’m just stubborn (so I’m told) and listen to no one (so I’m told) and that must be the reason for my dismay, because I just wouldn’t listen to what everyone else wanted from me. I’ve decide to scrap my new years resolutions (okay, not really, those are still things that I personally want to conquer in an effort to gain back some self-respect) and see if all these people are right and I’m just wrong. I’m wrong all the time I assume, so maybe my entire world is covered by some sort of disillusioned fog. So my new New Years resolution is to stop thinking for myself. I’ll follow the advice of all those that give it and do only as other people expect of me and see if that brings me true happiness. The last 7 months have been difficult and I want to feel like I’m 30 and still have some reason to wake up in the morning and continue on, but it seems the advice I get is pushing me in the opposite direction of having something to show for myself. So from this point forward I have nothing and I am nothing, but clay, waiting to be molded into what everyone else thinks I should be. If there’s something you don’t like, you can’t blame me because some one else decided it for me. I’m about to relearn every human emotion and response there is based on what advice I’m given, because having a dream and desire that someone else doesn’t agree with is far more saddening than having no dreams or desires at all. Hopefully everyone else is right and I am wrong because my first step in this process is giving up the few things I have left that give me self pride and respect. For the most part, that’s completely been stripped from me already, so obviously it does nothing but get in the way of true happiness.
Interesting concept but I doubt that it will bring you happiness, people give advice and tell you what you are doing wrong because it lets them escape their own failures, hides the empty feelings inside them and gives them a sense of importance. Happiness is an elusive thing to find and even harder to keep but you can only find it by looking inward and taking an honest look at yourself and make the changes you want to make not those others think you should make. Show me someone who appears to have it all together and I will show you someone who has a huge closet full of skeletons. You have to be happy with yourself before you can find happiness with another, the ability to let the past go is easier in theory then it is in practice.
I don’t think it is even about self-happiness…more about preventing disappoint from others because you are not doing what they think you should do…therefore you can’t be disappointed in yourself because you disappointed other people. Or maybe it’s about not being disappointed when the things your are excited about doing other people find foolish, and preventing that feeling you get when you are the only one excited about something.
I seem to recall having this conversation with you oh so long ago… at least it seems long ago. So many things change yet so many stay the same. I feel your pain, Corey…